Summer of Growth

When I was a kid or better put, when I was a pre-30-something-year-old I recall having the requisite gasp whenever our elders talked about being "older." As in, in their 30's older cause we all know that by 30 we might as well as had one foot in the grave. But other than this typical childlike fear I can't say I truly recall what it is I thought this part of my life would be like, emotionally that is because I've never strayed from the photographer course. About the only thing constant in my life.

Here I am at 39, eight months away from turning 40, five months away from the year 2010 and I feel as if I'm just beginning to live. 39 years old and life is expanding in ways I never ever could of imagined..... well maybe aside from the imagining being a bit less poor than I currently am part.

I was watching a special recently on Nat Geo or History Channel or some such cable channel that was discussing Jesus Christ and the writings in the bible that focused on his "teaching" and "preaching" to the Israelites. One of the interesting points of the hour-long show was the fabled "Sermon on the Mount" event.

In Matthew 5:3 it's written: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." This was contrasted with the writing in Luke 6:20: "And raising his eyes toward his disciples he said: "Blessed are you who are poor, for the kingdom of God is yours."

Not to get preachy or such but I find the Matthew passagae to be far much more important a blessing than the Luke writing. For me, spirituality has always been about the SPIRIT and how alive your soul is. The rest will follow as you learn to allow it to be attracted to you. I've tried to explain this to my mom, she being such a devout Christian and all, but honestly I end up wanting to walk away in frustration for she will eventually bring up all the "help" she has given to me and my brothers, all the dissappointment she feels over "our lives" not being "more." A child can only handle hearing how disappointed their mother is for sooo long.

Yeah I'm not rich, hell I'm down there in the below-poverty range of American statistics. But since getting laid-off back in January my world has grown immensely and intensely. Seven months ago I wouldn't of predicted that my neighbour Garrett and I would become such intimate friends, that my friendships with Deb and Paula would mature so beautifully. And in return I have gotten to watch these and others grow in ways that I'm not sure they would have predicted. My life has been a cacophony of experiences lately and I sure as hell hope it doesn't end any time soon, despite how painful it can get.

Garrett and I's friendship, I think anyway, is built-on the notion that we don't need to "be in" a relationship in order to know that we are more than friends. He's got his life, I have mine and when we can we share it together. Plus I'm just now coming to the realisation that the idea of an actual long-term relationship or even going into the realm of love scares the absolute shit out of me. I've never been good with saying the words "I love you" as my ex-husband can attest to. Normally it's the other way around but nope, not me, I gotta buck the trends. I had me a cool guy who was all too comfy with telling me he loved me and I was all too eager, in the beginning, to run scared in the other direction. Such sentimentality was rare in the youth of my family and I'm not sure I can remember my father ever telling me he loved me until the day I got married. So when the day came that Dave told me he loved me, all I could do as my body tensed and my brain reeled was stutter out, "ahhh..ohh....I really like you."

Less than a week ago at Chroma Gallery meeting with Paula to get ready for this coming Friday's art show, I broke down crying. I've been having a littany of tech problems which has prevented me from fully participating in my world of photography and at some moments has truly made me question EVERYTHING. Paula came over and hugged me tightly telling me it was going to be ok and as she pulled back she looked at me and said, "I love you Susan. This is what friends do for each other." And WHAM! my body tensed and I felt that damn fear strangle my voice as I muttered back, "me too."

The thing is, I can write "I love Paula." Cause I do. Her friendship has been one of the most enriching experiences of my life. But to physically say it? I'm working on it. As for Garrett, yikes. Yeah I love our friendship and the fun times we're having but is it love and what does that even mean? Hell if I know. Now the ironic thing here is that Paula will surely read this entry because she's subscribed and so now she'll know the big secret I've been hiding which is essentially my way of telling myself, "Hey, it's ok to tell your friends you love them. They won't turn to dust or run off to another continent!"

So there you have it dear friends, that's my current update. Oh and in case you were wondering, yes the hormones are still alternating between schizophrenic and...and...hmm...nope, pretty much they are completely schizophrenic!!

"No es Tan Cierto' Juana Molina