The 9's of Our Life

9, 19, 29, 39

Years of our lives that all denote the tail-end of a era and the slow skittish opening to a new decade. The first two 9's for me were fairly good one's, that I can recall. For my 19th celebration I decided to reproduce one of my much younger birthdays by dunking my face into my birthday cake. Why I choose to do this, honestly I can't remember but I'm sure it had something to do with my mom or dad bringing it up and me being the "oh well I can be silly again!" sort of mentality.

But 29 I remember clearly for the lack of enthusiasm I had for this particular number. I truly just didn't care and didn't want to think about it. Then I hit 30 and again it was sort of like, "well this sucks, in a way but there's still time to go back." Go back? Yeah, you know, jump back over the fence to my 20's....seriously, this is what I thought. And then came 31 and it was like all bloody fucking panic because the wall came down and there was NOOOO getting back over the fence. Nope, sorry, you loose.

The years came and went and it's now 2009 and I just celebrated my 39th birthday last month. And again it just wasn't that big a deal but what I've since come to realise is that unlike the year of 29 where I thought far too much about not wanting to think about it, this year it's wasn't that I didn't have any enthusiasm or wanted to ignore it, it's sorta like I'd have to shake my head every now and then and go 'Oh hey, my birthday is this week." ....I wonder if this is what it feels like to celebrate getting older as a single woman. Having no one around to make a big deal of it or rather having someone around which causes one to have expectations of that someone.

The past couple of weeks have been an awkward time, emotionally speaking and not just for me for I've now had two other girlfriends within the same age range talk about how the faucet handles have been running hot & cold in rapid succession. I've started referring to these moments as Emotional Hot Flashes, (EHF).

None of us is, hopefully anyway, anywhere near the menopause stage but if this what physical hot flashes feel like, boy are we fucked. I've tried to put the thumb tack on one reason, any excuse to pinpoint the exact location of said EHF but alas I've come up short. It seems like damn near anything either sends me into hysterical fits of laughter or weeping and gasping for air. And so I decided I needed to really just immerse myself in the pain of love and life and so I went to see a movie tonight.

"Der Vorleser," otherwise known here in America as The Reader was showing at the discount theatre and had been on my radar for quite some time and I just knew it'd be the perfect immersion in the release of pain I apparently have been seeking. I'll be finding a copy of the book as soon as I finish all the other reading I've got stacked-up. It's that good.

Ouch and I do mean OUCH! The characters in The Reader just ripped me up one side and and down the rest of me...leaving me feeling so damn conflicted as to whether Hanna truly understood the gravity of her role as an SS guard at Auschwitz. Or why exactly Michael choose not to divulge the information he had that would of exonerated Hanna from the most hideous of the charges. As his law professor stated soooo very clearly, Michael had a MORAL obligation to divulge the information he had to the courts but he chooses not to, thus condemning Hanna to life imprisonment. But what about Hanna's moral obligation to humanity? Does she not see that by maintaining her position as a guard, by upholding her "responsibility," as she angrily screams in the courtroom, she condemned hundreds of innocent Jews to death?

There is no clear answer, at least in my opinion. Life doesn't follow the path of ease and refinement, that would be asking far too much of it. And yet, I still struggle with this very desire. The cravings for a nice crisp blueprint fresh from the printers that lays it all out in plain easy to read letters and numbers continues to pound on my psyche even as I rebel against my self-imposed stereotype. For one has to wonder where's the reward in exerting such tremendous effort knowing it's all for naught?

It is this very argument that pushes me, kicking and screaming, out of my comfort zone and away from the old and into the new. I've had to say goodbye to two very dear friendships in the past month because quite simply, it was time to move on and all I was doing was causing my head and heart to hurt. Other friendships continue to evolve for which I'm grateful. And how cool is a friend that gets you this very awesome shotglass from New Orleans?!?! I can almost forgive her for not being able to find a vampire to bring back for me....almost. *big grin*

On my birthday I went to a bar that I'd never been to, alone. Knowing only that there would one guy there that I knew merely from the local social network site Duke City Fix. I could feel my heart pounding as I parked the car and walked into Imbibe and within 10 seconds I was ready to flee home and hide. But I didn't and for that I'm glad as I had a great time, meeting new people. Will I ever see them again? Maybe and maybe not. It was fun and that's all that matters.

Life is still beginning and evolving.

"Song to Say Goodbye" Placebo