The Creation of Loneliness

When my marriage imploded back in '03, I knew I needed some time alone to figure out who the fuck I was. Never having lived alone, on my own with no one else in the same space, I needed that space, that silence to finally face myself. And having the ex jump from our bed into her bed so damn rapidly only solidified in my mind that I was doing the right thing, that I knew the best way to deal with what had happened. I felt proud that I was doing what he obviously couldn't or wouldn't do. So I patted myself on the back and began that journey of living with myself.

Which is truly a scary thing. The walls we build are meant to protect us, shield us but sometimes we forget to create an exit strategy, a doorway to let the rest of the world in from time-to-time. Shielding ourselves eventually turns one into a hermit, an emotional one anyway but can also create a physical hermit.

The Great Sand Dunes National Park. December 1988

The place where I'm at. Sure I go out and see friends, go to work, go to the store. Typically though I can't wait to get home and hide. Hide from the world where there's pain and rejection, poverty and fear. The "needing some time alone" plan has become an excuse to lock myself away. I don't invite anyone into my home. Darhla's never even been here. I'm afraid to allow anyone into my sanctuary, into my world. This is where I'm in control or rather where I want to believe I'm in control.

It's kinda like any addiction I suppose. We tell ourselves, "Oh I can handle just one more drink, I know when to quit." or "I'll just put down $100 on that horse and no more." We want to believe that we are in control of the situation, of the money, of the alcohol, but truly we're just fooling ourselves.

I look at all the things that I have done in my life; was married to a great guy till we both fucked it up but he loved me for who I was, I moved away from the shit hole town of Belen, I lived in NJ & NY, wandering around NYC feeling just so proud of myself, traveled across this country, my photos have been published a gazillion times over, I won awards in college.

And I'm still lonely, I still feel like a failure. What is it that I'm seeking? What's it going to take for me to finally love myself and stop looking to others to fill that void? They say one has to hit rock bottom before you can finally accept that you need help and want to make the commitment to change. What is my rock bottom?

I've given myself 3 years before moving to Europe. If that's not enough motivation than what would be?

"Lifelines" a-ha