Questions With No Answers

"Look to the sky. The sky is the answer."

I was getting in my car after having gone to the 11 p.m. showing of "Donnie Darko" at the Guild when I saw a man walking haphazardly across Central Ave. This being Saturday night (or technically now Sunday morning) such a sight isn't all that unusual. Hearing him yelling out, (or perhaps more of a loud warbling), those sentences while waving one arm up to the heavens after I had just finished watching one of the more bizarre movies in my recent recollection...now that was odd. I verified that I had indeed locked the door and proceeded to watch as he finished crossing the road and walk behind my car and down the hill. I was curious to know where he was going, was he ok and what was he seeing thru his eyes? Being in the Nob Hill area of town it's not all that easy to see the stars inhabiting the night sky and so I wondered if in his obviously altered state he could see more than the rest of us.

After the movie, Deb and I stood around in the foyer talking with a few other patrons. She naturally knew some of them but then she knows a lot of people, something I can lay no claim to whatsoever. Keith, the owner of The Guild asked me if I had enjoyed the flick. "Oh, I've seen it before when it first came out but I can truly say that I apparently did not remember 90% of the movie!" I said. I knew that I hadn't liked it when I saw it in 2000 in Denver with Dave and friends. I remembered I didn't like "Frank" or rather that damned fucking rabbit mask. That mask is wrong. W-R-O-N-G. It's about the creepiest thing imaginable and sends about the same amount of chills down my spine as when I think about the ocean and other areas of immensely deep/bottomless water, all thanks to seeing "Jaws" as a child.

When I'd heard that it would be showing at The Guild I decided I needed to see it again, to determine if my opinion of it had changed in 11 years, to see what my perception of the storyline was now that I was 11 years older.

I still don't like the damn mask.

I wish the conversation I was engaged in with others at the theatre could of continued beyond there, that as in my previous life I'd have someone to end the night with to talk with or to join friends at a diner and sit around and blabber together till late into the morning. Instead I sit here and talk to you and the others, hoping that the clicking of the keys will help me to understand the way I feel about the movie and the questions that have arisen.

Dr. Thurman: Do you feel alone right now?

Donnie Darko: I don’t know. I mean I’d like to believe I’m not, but I just… I’ve just never seen any proof so I… just don’t debate it any more it’s like I could spend my whole life debating it over and over again, weighing the pros and cons, and in the end I still wouldn’t have any proof. So I just, I just don’t debate it any more.

One particular fellow and I were having a wonderful discussion about whether Donnie is schizophrenic or did he figure out a way to go back and alter time or why couldn't both be true? I said that if I believed he could indeed time travel and go back and change the course of events, that if I believed that in the movie I would have to truly believe that in my reality. It's something that I often think about. Not so much in terms of "do I have regrets about what happened in the past" but more of a curiosity. So Donnie goes back and makes it so that his mom and baby sister don't die in the plane crash, that Gretchen doesn't die. But at the same time he then doesn't burn down Cunningham's house and the discovery of the child pornography isn't made. Is Gretchen better off in the new reality never having met Donnie? Now that Donnie has died what impact will that have on the family. Did he change the course of events for the better? Perhaps for himself and in a manner of speaking what he did accomplish was nothing more than suicide. If someone intentionally travels back in time to alter the course of events knowing that by doing so you will die, is that not suicide?

Arriving home I paused for a few minutes to stand in the driveway and looked to the east and there hanging low was my faithful companion Orion's Belt.

Surreal Barely Describes It

On Thursday, June 2nd, I participated in my very first movie shoot. It's one of those things that on one level I've always fantasized about but in the realm of reality truly never thought I would partake in. Kinda up there with meeting a famous movie star. You always WISH and dream of that moment but when that moment actually occurs you're still sorta left with the bizarre thought of, "Did that really just happen?" Seriously, I still question whether I truly met Viggo and talked to him and if it wasn't for the photos that my sister in-law took I probably would of labeled it a dream.

But when all normal attempts at finding a job come up with not even a pile of dust bunnies you begin to reach into that basket labeled "fantasy" because in the end, Why the hell not?

And that is how my Thursday ended. Driving home from Santa Fe, from the movie set of "Odd Thomas" talking away with David (whom I had only met that afternoon), I once again had that odd sensation of, "was that me on a movie set with Willem Dafoe and Anton Yelchin a few meters away?" "Did I just get paid for a job that I never truly believed I would put myself out there for?"

To add to these bizarre thoughts bumbling around inside my head was the weather. Being on a movie set is unlike any environment I've ever been on. From 10 a.m. until 10:30 pm when I got home, I had zippo contact with the world in terms of current events. If I lived in a larger city/state where there was 24/7 radio news then I probably could of turned the car stereo to such a station but alas we have no such media resources here in New Mexico. And NO I do not own a smartphone nor do I have satellite radio in my car.

Turns out that while we were standing and screaming our little voice boxes into oblivion acting like we owed our entire lives to some young kid with magical talents named "Odd Thomas," southeastern Arizona was ablaze and oh so obligingly sending the smoke into New Mexico. The drive home was bizarre as both David and I searching thru the dark looking for any sparks of red that would tell us where the immense thick smoke was coming from. From the middle of Santa Fe proper into Albuquerque the world was hazy and creepy and we had no clue as to why.

It wasn't until I got home that I reentered reality and learned of the insane and so horridly huge fire. It's been almost a week now and the fire, according to tonight's news, is now at 5% containment. We had a brief respite this evening from what has become a typical evening of intense smoke and ash but apparently it's to return with renewed vigor over the weekend.

Six months into this year and about the best word I can come up with is Surreal. Good and bad versions of it. The amount of stress and frustration that has accumulated surpasses just about most of my 41 years but then if I toss in the various activities I have participated in, the people I've met and the changes I have made to myself...well, that's all surreal too. The good kind.

A Month of Activism

I turn 41 tomorrow. I tend to view the entire month of March as one big birthday celebration so that if the actual day of my birthday has me preoccupied with things "unbirthday-like" then I needn't feel bummed. Some people insist that if they don't get a birthday greeting on their day then obviously people have forgotten. Too constricting if you ask me and doesn't allow for the occasional flub which we humans are so prone to.

I had planned on starting my birthday month out by attending a talk on New Mexico's contribution to monster folklore, the Chupacabra, but switched plans when I learned about a meeting for unemployed folks being sponsored by Working America. I knew nothing about this organisation (turns out they are a community affiliate of the AFL-CIO) but figured meeting with other unemployed folk as well as those seeking to help us with resume/cover letter writing, credit repair, etc. was probably a better opportunity. I suppose I could of still networked to some degree with others curious about mythology and life beyond our meek little planet but in the end the desire to converse with people who might be able to help me figure out how to find a job was just a little bit more powerful.

Now I'll admit that I didn't get as much assistance with my resumes and cover letters as I had hoped. Too many people needing help+too few people to help+too little time. But I did make new connections in the community and learned about a rally, in support of labor rights, occurring in the capitol, Santa Fe, that coming weekend. I'd already attended a previous rally for health care on the 25th of February and had found it very enlightening and invigorating so I decided to join-up for this one as well.

With each new event I attend I get to meet more people who are as concerned about the abysmal state of health care in this country for the poor and the ever-eroding ability of people to find a job or pay the bills with the job they currently have. I've never belonged to a union but I will say that they are a vital part of this country, a sort of checks-and-balances necessity. They aren't perfect and yes there have been abuses as there is in any organisation. But that doesn't mean we don't need unions or that Obama's health care plan should be repealed. How about we try to fix things instead of gutting the program or killing it outright? It's bad enough that as a society we no longer fix our appliances, opting instead to "just go by a new one" cause it'll be cheaper. Let's not affix the label of Disposable Society to our government and citizens too.


The New Mexico legislature has wrapped-up it's 2011 session without much getting accomplished, leaving hundreds of bills that never got a chance to be heard including SJR5, a resolution we had wanted placed on the November ballot for New Mexican voters to decide on whether they wanted the state constitution to acknowledge health care as a fundamental human right of all residents. A simple request, if you ask me and one that will not be silenced.

"Read My Mind" The Killers

Finding a Voice

I've photographed more political rally's, parades, protests, etc. than I've been a part of. I used to do a much better job of keeping my views separate from my photography business. I've been warned many times over lately that I need to "be careful" and "watch what I say." I'm perfectly aware that what I post online is public knowledge and as I told someone recently, if someone out there can't fathom the idea of hiring me because they don't agree with me 100% then so be it, obviously it wasn't meant to be. And as another friend pointed out, "for every one person who doesn't agree with you there is someone who does or simply doesn't care and will hire you."

I'm tired of sitting by the sidelines and not getting involved or making my voice heard. Being unemployed during what has arguably been one of the longest running recessions (do I dare say depression?) in the history of America (although I'm sure economics, politicians and the like will disagree with me) has a way of making a person feel invisible, voiceless. You apply to one job after another hoping that somehow the words on your resume and cover letter will out scream the dozens or hundreds of others who are also vying for the attention of that individual with the power to hire. You scour the newspapers, website job boards and you network whether in-person or online. After awhile it all becomes a blur, a painful headache pounding blur and all you want is for someone to pay attention and give you a chance. And you can't do this day in and day out, it'll rip apart what remains of your sanity.

But you can't fight that which you have no control over. I'm back to repeating to myself the Serenity Prayer, reminding myself to focus on that which I can change. I've begun exercising, not nearly on as much a regular basis as is needed but it's a start. Reminding myself I can step out the door despite fearing what others will think when they see this overweight woman out walking, reminding myself I'm doing this for my future, for me and my dreams and desires.

I have no control over the nastiness that has enveloped so much of the world lately but I can express my dislike of the growing inadequacies for the poor and unemployed or underemployed. We need to join together and make our voices be heard again not just via the written word but in-person so that our elected officials know that we are going to hold them accountable. It's confusing to me that some people find it perfectly ok for our government to have spent billions of dollars on wars in Iraq and Afghanistan but it's not ok to take that money and support the citizens of America. Our government budgeted $895 BILLION on defense but only $25 BILLION has been set aside for the Job Initiative for each state.

I refuse to continue feeling powerless and voiceless and allowing those in power enjoy their perks without earning them. I will not be stepped on and kicked aside any longer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

"Make This Go On Forever" Snow Patrol

Reconfiguring Life

There's a moment in the movie "Girl with a Pearl Earring" in which Johannes Vermeer looks over at the maid Griet and see's "it"; the composition, the painting and we the audience see this thru his eyes. We see that moment of realisation when we realise we have it.

Spark. It's been missing from my inner creativity banks for some time now and in my usual stubbornness I've fought the notion that maybe I need to reevaluate and reconfigure where to focus my energy on.

I think my generation, those of us born in the 60's and 70's were the first generation to not devote ourselves to one company or one industry for our entire lives like so many of our parents had. Most of my father's entire adult life was spent as a secretary, either in the military or as a civilian. Same thing with my mom. The notion of switching career paths simply because you weren't happy was a foreign concept. Even more foreign to them was the idea of doing something because you loved it, even if it didn't pay the bills. Adding to our own concept of freedom has, of course, been the world of business itself.

I never expected to be rich as a photographer nor wanted to be famous. I just wanted to share what I saw with the world, capturing moments of beauty and pain. Unfortunately the ability to do that has become disabled, in a large part, by the extremely fast-changing world of technology. What was supposed to make distributing information easier and faster has also become a race to keep-up, a race one can only stay in if one has the money. The digital age has proven to be exceedingly expensive and more labor intensive than when my world was 35mm film cameras and didn't require the latest most up-to-date software, memory cards and other computer equipment.

To repeat an old phrase, I can't afford to "keep up with the Joneses" and trying to do so has sapped me dry and I'm tired. I need to find a new outlet for my creativity, a new route to take at least until the time comes when I can afford (and want) to rejoin the race. Accepting that it's time to put aside being a "working" photographer, something I have been for most of my life, is not easy. But if I have even the slightest desire to ever be a part of that world again, I need to do this to save that dying spark.

I'm not giving up on photography completely for I have plenty of negatives and slides that need scanning/cataloging and my interest in reading up on what others are doing is still alive. I'll just be channeling my energy in a new direction.

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go.
I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
I don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go.

"Leaving on a Jet Plane" by Peter Paul Mary