What is Wrong with this Picture??

LADIES & GENTLEMEN, I would like to direct your attention to the information that follows below. If you are easily prone to anger, then I suggest you not be reading this while at work, amongst children, clergy who take their vows oh so seriously and/or anyone else that you do not want to hear your outburst.

Jobless rate tops 10 pct. for first time since '83.

"The jobless rate rocketed to 10.2 percent in October, the highest since early 1983, dealing a psychological blow to Americans as they prepare holiday shopping lists. It was another worse-than-expected report casting a shadow over the struggling recovery."

The news is bad, lets just face it. IT SUCKS! And yet what is the first thing this writer points out about the effect this will have on the American public?? Our holiday shopping lists. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!???! I'm just hoping at this point to be able to buy some groceries to make my famous shortbread cookies to give as gifts. The very notion of even being able to afford a card is a joke to me right now unless I manage to find an above minimum-wage job in the next 30 days.

Recently I was part of a minor conversation on Facebook about Christmas and one person got a bit ranty (apparently a bad day was being had) about how spoiled people are nowadays and honestly I have to agree. A popular local TV news reporter recently made fun of a guy he saw using a CD Walkman, getting on his high-horse about how "this is the year 2009 buddy! Ever hear of an iPod?"

Gee guess what fella? I don't have an iPod or any other sort of MP3 player. I know plenty of folks who don't have such items which are typically (or used to be) considered "LUXURY GOODS." I have a CD Walkman that is over 10 years old and it works so I use it. The very notion that we're supposed to be keeping up with "The Joneses" is getting to be absurd people.

"Sleeping w/ Ghosts" by Placebo

This one world vision
Turns us in to compromise
What good's religion
When it's each other we despise
Damn the government
Damn their killing
Damn their lies

AIG posts 2nd consecutive quarterly profit

American International Group, the insurance giant whose near-collapse last year prompted a massive federal bailout, on Friday posted its second consecutive quarterly profit as some of its units continued to stabilize and improved financial markets boosted the company's bottom line.

I think nothing needs to be said here of the irony between the news of unemployment hitting a 26 YEAR HIGH and AIG's continued flaunting and the government's ass-kissing of its CEO's.


"Do Your Thing" Basement Jaxx

Let the Fun Begin

"Someone... call the doctor
Got a case of love bi-polar
Stuck on a... roller coaster
Can't get of this ride."

"Hot & Cold" Katy Perry

While the physical ride is truly over with, the emotional funhouse has only begun. It never gets easier, if only because each new breakup comes with its own new set of memories and no matter how many times one goes through this sort of shit it still hurts.

I guess I can safely say that I know now I will probably experience the pain of loving someone and having them ruin it all at least once more in my lifetime. For reasons I still don't understand I want to believe people are decent and trustworthy, that underneath all the sludge and filth of life, humanity doesn't want to hurt one another. Right? I give too fast sometimes, partly I believe because I haven't yet learned to be happy with just myself and not need to be validated by the company of another.

After the implosion of my marriage I knew it was going to be a struggle being a single woman, that much I acknowledged. What I never acknowledged, perhaps because I'd never had much experience at being a single woman, was the immense pain associated with finding a new partner. Life can't exist without both pleasure and pain.

At 39 years of age I'm learning, begrudgingly sometimes but I'm learning. Now to figure out how to accept the pain and stop beating myself up for how I feel. How exactly does one learn to be ok with hearing a song or experiencing a moment and suddenly feeling your heart drop into your stomach and your lungs collapse?

It's the little things from the relationship that come back to haunt me the most. The day he put his arm around me while we were at Sunflower Market. Watching him explain Death/Scream Metal to me, his eyes would close as he'd tap his fingers and foot. The summer night he called me at 10:30 asking if I wanted to go for a walk. Having him around to open a door or help me carry stuff up to my apartment. Him standing outside on my back stoop holding a plate with a piece of cake...at 9 o'clock pm. Being introduced to Gin & Tonic's for the first time, damn he knew how to make a good drink.

His hugs...oh gawd his hugs were so nice.

What I need to understand about myself, what I MUST learn is why do I end up with men who lie to me? Who can't or won't be honest with not just me but with themselves. These men seem to be in denial as they are carrying out the act of lying, of deceiving. I want to know what was going thru their head when they made the decision to hurt me, because yes folks it is a decision to take that path. What is it about me that I attract such partners? I've been with men my age, men older and men younger and they've all lacked the maturity to tell the truth. Some even didn't want to acknowldge my knowledge of their actions. "ohhh no Susan, you're wrong." "You're being paranoid."

In August I had a terrifying dream, similar to one's I used to have from my childhood on into my 20's. I awoke screaming and sensing someone had been on top of me, not sexually just on top. As I struggled to right myself up I recall seeing a figure in my doorway, not solid looking but enough form to know it was human in shape. I found myself gasping to breathe, unable to move, my eyes transfixed on the doorway. I kept telling myself I needed to turn on the bedside lamp but I was too afraid to pull my eyes away. Eventually I did get the light on...it took me 2 hours to fall back asleep.

This past week I went back to my dream journal to find the date of that dream and turned out it was smack dab inbetween the times of the first thefts and the 2nd. At the time I couldn't understand what could possibly be going on in my life that would bring on such a dream style from my past. I told him about this dream a day or two later, midly curious if he had heard me scream being as I always have my windows open in the summertime and we live so damn close to one another. I now wonder if there had been any moment in his mind in which he thought for just a second, "ohh does she realise I broke into her home and stole....?"

Highly improbable, merely my obscenely logical brain seeking some sort of answer. Answers which will more than likely not rise to the surface and I must learn to accept this and move on. Sometimes I wonder if I want to though....

"Ain't No Mountain High Enough" Diana Ross

Love and Loss

Perhaps one of the hardest lessons I have struggled with is the concept of "letting go." I want to be there for the person, I want to lend a hand, a shoulder. Unfortunately all too often either I end up turning into a mom-of-sorts or the individual perceives my intentions as such.

One time to know that it's real
one time to know how it feels that's all
One call - your voice on the phone
one place - a moment alone that's all

When we met I knew you were much younger than I but I was melted by that boyish charm, that adorable smile and happy eyes. Then we started to hang out and you told me of past problems and how you had beat the odds. I was happy for you and impressed by your maturity but I told myself to keep the gate up around my heart, make sure the lock stays away from the key until you are positive it's safe.

My precautions were solidly based on past experience and a desire to not get my heart trampled on again. I did everything I knew the book to say to do and followed my gut.

The book though doesn't cover everything, just as a map can be outdated within months if not days. And despite what I hoped for, what I cautioned myself against, I fell in love. And I will always love you, that will never change even though it hurts like hell.

What do you see?
What do you know?
What are the signs?
What will I do?
What if it hurts?
What then?
What do we do?
What do you say?

You could never accept that I would give you something free-and-clear. Always in the back of your mind was that voice of doubt, "What is she going to expect from me in return?" "What will I owe her?" I tried to alleviate your fears and your concerns but they fell on top of all the other crap that has been drummed into you since childhood. Drowned out by much more powerful negative experiences.

At about the time that I realised I loved you and told you so, you were taking my trust and tossing it into the gutter. You stole what can never ever be replaced, etching into my soul a seared reminder of all that is now lost. And for what? What did you truly get from all this? Do you even know? Do you want to know?

Don't throw your lifelines away
One time - just once in my life
one time - to know it can happen twice
One shot - of a clear blue sky
one look - I see no reasons why we can't
One chance to go back to the point where everything starts
One chance to keep it together when things fall apart
One sign to make us believe it's true

I will always remember you and the amazing light you brought into my life. I will always remember the darkness that came into your eyes as you became someone that I never saw coming. You gave me joy and intimacy and you gave me pain and tears. You've made your decision now and I will do my best to respect the space & time that you say you need. Just don't expect me to greet you with open arms and forgiveness. You have so much growing up to do, so much more of life to experience. Please don't throw it all away.

What do you see?
Where do we go?
one sign
How do we grow?
By letting your lifelines show
What if we do?
What now?
What do you say?
How do I know?
Don't let your lifeline go

(lyrics from "Lifelines" by a-ha)

It's the Small Moments

As the years go by the saying "Laughter's the Best Medicine" continues to become ever so important in my life. It's been a trying year, to say the least. Lots of potholes intermixed with fields of sunny fragrant flowers.

And so for those times when the potholes have felt bigger than the field, I truly cherish the moments of laughter that pop-up intermidtently. Here are just a few conversations or events that were so wonderful I had to write them down in order to remember 'em.
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Wandering the aisles at Clark's Pets store, 2 cans of Innova Evo canned cat food in my hand, I stopped to say hi to the big brown rabbit chillin' in its open bin. I'd never seen this fella but he obviously is a senior bunny, soft & fluffy but a bit thin in areas. Oh and BIG! Wow he's a big bunny! Up at the cashier I decide to ask just how old Senior Bunny is and the fella said he wasn't sure but that he knew he was old. Another employee standing toward the back of the counter then stepped forward to say, "the guinea pig has been humping the rabbit."

I found myself with my mouth popped open, not sure why she felt the need to bring that up and the guy didn't seem to have any better idea than I. Then I just started laughing as I thought of the site of a GUINEA PIG trying to screw a BUNNY RABBIT! A male rabbit at that! Between laughs I got out, "ohhh I think you could of gone all day without saying that!" and the woman looks at me perplexed and says, "Oh, I thought that's why you brought up his age." *ROFL*

Oh how I love shopping at Clarks!!
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My lovely girlfriend Sharon had this to say in response to another friend talking about a new personal connection:

"Woo-frickin'-hoooo! A connection like that is precious. How utterly wonderful!"

.....what can I say, I just think that's the funniest damn thing I've heard in a long time!
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Over lunch one day with Darhla she was telling me about the amazing imaginary world that her oldest kiddo Joey has been creating. Apparently this imaginary world also included the family but each member was given their own new name:

dad James is now FEATHER MASTER
mom Darhla is TOASTER BOT
baby sis Virginia gets the moniker TEAR TIGER
and for himself, Joey cristened himself ROCK HARD WHALE

What a wonderful world children live in!!!
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One needn't live in New Mexico for all that long before you realise how much business is transacted here with a handshake, a wink and a nod....well, as long as you're either related or simply have lived in the area long enough to have roots going back 100 some years.

My mom's family, the Garcia's, have lived in northern Nuevo Mexico for many a generation. I even worked with a gal who knew my Great Uncle Paul, whose parents were the caretakers for the Santuario de Chimayo.
I recently learned that my oldest aunt, Sister Teresita, who didn't learn to drive until she was in her 50's & returned to the States after having lived in Peru for 20-odd years, (this all being about 10 yrs ago now), apparently never took a driving test or the written test when she went to get her license. Teresita was told to talk to "so-and-so" when she went to the local DMV office (somewhere in/around Espanola) and so that's what she did. "So-and-so" greets her, hands her some papers, shows her where to sign, takes her picture and WAAALAA! she's got her self a brand spanking shiny new New Mexico drivers license.

This story came to my attention via my mom. She and Teresita recently traveled to Espanola, taking mom's car for the funeral of one of their aunts. But due to recent hand surgery my mom wasn't able to drive. Just before they got to Santa Fe mom says she noticed the emergency break light on and alerted Teresita. At this point I'm staring in horror at my mom and I sputter out, "she didn't know the brake was on??" Turns out dear Teresita has never ever utilised the emergency brake on any car she's ever driven since returning to the States and as such didn't even know what in bloody hell an emergency brake is.

....now yer probably asking why on earth is this funny? All I can say is, it's one of those instances where one must laugh in order to refrain from running screaming out of this state. Plus, what makes it even funnier is when I retold this to my brother Rob last night he provided this absolutely perfect comment...after a couple pauses for him to recover from shock:

"New Mexico, Land of What the Fuck"

I think this should be the new state slogan. *big smirk*

"Train in Vain"Annie Lennox

Goodnight & May You Find Peace

9 hours from now, give or take a few minutes, I will be walking into the door of French's Mortuary for the 2nd time in my life. 

I came to the realisation this past weekend that a good portion of all the people I have known in my life who have died, they all died far too young, died by their own hands or doing, were killed or died from a disease they could of staved off had they made the effort.  Quite frankly, I'm really fucking sick and tired of it. 

We take life for granted and we shouldn't.  We don't enjoy what we have and we don't appreciate those around us.  We forget to blow the puffy Dandelion into the breeze and laugh.  Instead of allowing our children to roll down the grassy slope we chastise them for getting their clothes dirty.  Rather than spend around $4 on a bar of premium chocolate and a container of strawberries we use that money to buy a lotto ticket.  And then when we die, those left behind put on facades of happiness and pretend that the individual was a saint.  We gloss over their addictions, their abuse, their neglect and for what reason?  To "not speak ill of the dead?"

I'm not saying one should be demonized upon their death but to behave as if they lead a perfect life is just as disrespectful to their memory as it is to not remember the good times. And to do nothing but mourn the loss is no better than celebrating the person's death.  It's about balance, giving equal time to good and the bad, the pain and the joy.

I have now known 2 friends who have killed themselves, one of whom I may never know the reason for.  I have had two fathers, mine & my (ex) father-in-law die far too young because they didn't take care of their health and by the time the cancer was discovered it was too late.  A high school classmate was stabbed by his brother, who was also my classmate.  And now a friends brother is dead at the age of 35.

I realise how painful it is for people to acknowledge someone's addictions or abusive behaviour or mental illness but to deny it or cover it up does no one any good.  This only further perpetuates the stigma that being anything less than perfect is a sin and only causes those with such problems to refuse treatment.  I dream of a world in which us mentally ill folk will be free to discuss our disease without wondering if our audience is going to run screaming to the men in white coats.  I dream of a world where a drug addict will stop beating himself up and seek the treatment he needs without feeling like a failure. I dream of a world that no longer endorses the myth of "be a man and suck it up" thus freeing the male ego to ask for help and be willing to see a doctor.

Despite having watched my father die in front of my eyes, I have not grown accustomed to such a loss and this latest death naturally brings up that pain which I am trying to work thru.  For the past week my stomach has been in a turmoil, I've barely slept.  I hurt for my friend and her family, I hurt for his children, I hurt for what might of been.  I know that the pain will ease as time goes by and life will carry on but hopefully we'll never forget.

Dixie Chicks "Lullabye"

They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

I slip in bed when you're asleep
To hold you close and feel your breath on me
Tomorrow there'll be so much to do
So tonight I'll drift in a dream with you

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

As you wander through this troubled world
In search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes when you're miles away
And hear my voice like a serenade

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up

How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough, is forever enough
How long do you want to be loved
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up
Is forever enough
Cause I'm never, never giving you up